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Best Puns

Top Quality Puns! Everyone loves a good pun... Here is the best collection of good puns which are fun for the whole family to enjoy.  We're always looking for new hilarious puns to add to the list... So, check back often.  Remember, sharing is caring!

1. Pun: I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... then it dawned on me.

2. Pun: Reading a book on levitation... couldn't put it down.

3. Pun: Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

4. Pun: I should have been sad when I lost my flashlight... but I was de-lighted.

5. Pun: Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

6. Pun: I was wondering why the frisbee got bigger as it got closer to me... then it hit me.

7. Pun: I gave away dead batteries... free of charge!

8. Pun: I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

9. Pun: I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

10. Pun: When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

11. Pun: "I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

12. Pun: A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

13. Pun: Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

14. Pun: How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

15. Pun: I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

16. Pun: When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.

17. Pun: Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

18. Pun: What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

19. Pun: A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

20. Pun: When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

21. Pun: Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

22. Pun: Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

23. Pun: Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

24. Pun: What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!).

25. Pun: It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

26. Pun: A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

27. Pun: I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

28. Pun: A plateau is a high form of flattery.

29. Pun: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

30. Pun: Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

31. Pun: He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

32. Pun: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

33. Pun: A backward poet writes inverse.

34. Pun: Every calendar's days are numbered.

35. Pun: I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

36. Pun: The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.

37. Pun: A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

38. Pun: My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

39. Pun: What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

40. Pun: When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

41. Pun: Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

42. Pun: I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

43. Pun: The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

44. Pun: I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

45. Pun: England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

46. Pun: A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

47. Pun: All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution.

48. Pun: You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

49. Pun: A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

50. Pun: A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

51. Pun: Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

52. Pun: Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

53. Pun: The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.

54. Pun: The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

55. Pun: When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

56. Pun: Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

57. Pun: A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

58. Pun: He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

59. Pun: Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

60. Pun: When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.

61. Pun: When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

62. Pun: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

63. Pun: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

64. Pun: Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

65. Pun: Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

66. Pun: A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending.

67. Pun: My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

68. Pun: What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

69. Pun: Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

70. Pun: I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

71. Pun: What country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

72. Pun: In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

73. Pun: There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up.

74. Pun: Acupuncture is a jab well done.

75. Pun: How do you throw a space party? You planet.

76. Pun: Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

77. Pun: What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

78. Pun: The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

79. Pun: How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

80. Pun: Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

81. Pun: My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

82. Pun: What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

83. Pun: If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

84. Pun: Does killing time damage eternity?

85. Pun: What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

86. Pun: Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

87. Pun: I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.

88. Pun: Do pilots in a hurry take crash-courses?

89. Pun: How do you get off a nonstop flight?

90. Pun: Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

91. Pun: I was going to make a chemistry joke, but since I'm kinda late to the thread, the good ones argon.

92. Pun: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

93. Pun: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

94. Pun: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

95. Pun: The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

96. Pun: The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

97. Pun: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

98. Pun: I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

99. Pun: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

100. Pun: Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

101. Pun: I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

102. Pun: A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

103. Pun: German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

104. Pun: My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

105. Pun: Need an ark? I Noah guy.

106. Pun: How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

107. Pun: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

108. Pun: Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

109. Pun: I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

110. Pun: I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

111. Pun: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

112. Pun: Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

113. Pun: I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

114. Pun: I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.

115. Pun: Banning the bra was a big flop.

116. Pun: What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

117. Pun: A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

118. Pun: I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

119. Pun: Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

120. Pun: If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

121. Pun: I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

122. Pun: A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

123. Pun: Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

124. Pun: A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

125. Pun: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

126. Pun: I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

127. Pun: Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

128. Pun: Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

129. Pun: He who laughs last thinks slowest.

130. Pun: Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

131. Pun: A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

132. Pun: The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents.

133. Pun: Without geometry, life is pointless.

134. Pun: What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

135. Pun: What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.

136. Pun: Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

137. Pun: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

138. Pun: Why is the number six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

139. Pun: What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.

140. Pun: How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

141. Pun: I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how I'm feeling about that.

142. Pun: I'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience.

143. Pun: I bought a boat because it was for sail.

144. Pun: Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.

145. Pun: What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.

146. Pun: There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

147. Pun: An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

148. Pun: Relish today, ketchup tomorrow!

149. Pun: I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it.

150. Pun: Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Story by Riddles Staff

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